30 Words: #2 Love
Love is a word we use to justify acting stupid and making bad decisions. We use it for everything and everyone. I love my dog, I love this pen, I love my spouse. I don’t think your dog, your pen, and your spouse should be on the same level. We have romanticized the idea of love so much that people anticipate this giant fantasy, and then they get the rug pulled out from under them. Someone will promise you the moon and then hand you a rock. We like the “Love” theatrics and think that is how it’s supposed to be. We see movies where people do things out of “Love” but in the real world those are called “felonies.” We have bought a lie that we call Love and then get upset when people tell us we got sold a lemon.
We use words like “Romance,” “Chemistry” or a “Spark” to describe what we think love is. That is not love, that is infatuation; that is lust. We really chase after the idea of falling in love, but we don’t know what to do when we get there. Do you want to know why most fairy tales end with “and they lived happily ever after”? Because if you really saw what they had to do to make it to the “happily ever after” part, you wouldn’t believe it was Love. We have a knight that fights dragons, and a princess, who settled down and had no issues with their quiet life with just them. Yeah, that makes sense.
“There is only one person meant for me and if I don’t get with them right now then I will be unhappy for the rest of my life because I only have one soulmate and that’s it.”
How do you know that this person is “The One”? Like you must win some cosmic lottery to find the exact person out of 7 billion people, and they just happen to be at your local grocery store. You don’t find a soulmate, you make one. If I start saying that I’m supposed to be with this one person for the rest of my life after just meeting them, my life will stay in constant chaos.
“But you don’t understand! They took me dancing in a field on our first date.”
Is that all it takes to make your soul knit with mine? Having a stranger to take you to a field and dance? It’s either a love song, or an opening to a murder documentary
“But it was love at first sight.”
So, you are going to believe the feeling that you have at this one moment create a commitment for the rest of your life? I can’t even decide what I want to eat most days, let alone decide my entire life with just a look! You won’t even buy something off Amazon without looking at reviews, seeing what happened with other people, and seeing if it worked before you add it to your cart, but we are going to pick a lifetime commitment at a glance.
“He has been married four times and cheated on his wife every time, but this is different, we have something special.”
Do you want me to record that so you can hear it out loud? My Pastor always told me that “There is always a reason.” Why is this perfect man who treats me so well not have a spouse? I must be the luckiest person in the world! There is always a reason. She is so beautiful and sweet, and she ain’t got a man? Jackpot! There is always a reason. I’m not talking about the person being the problem, but let’s not fool ourselves about chasing after an expectation that we bought into.
The only time love at first sight is a real thing is when a parent sees their child the first time at birth. Everything else is some mythos that we created to justify being ridiculous. Could it be love? Probably gas.
Real Love endures. You can’t say you love someone truly until you’ve had to go through some crap with them. Not until you’ve had to feed them, bathe them, and wipe their butt do you see if you really love them. We are all for being in love until the reality of the situation hits us that we have to spend the rest of our lives with this person. Making it through, that tells you whether this is love or some infatuation. Unfortunately, people leaving a relationship when their partner gets sick or hurt is more common than you think. We want the 50 years of marriage, but we don’t want to make it through the “He puts the toilet paper roll on wrong” moments. You’re going to fight, you’re going to disagree, you’re going to be disappointed, but will you stay?
We have this idea that romance will do idiotic things and throw away our hopes and dreams for “the One.” Which is the exact opposite of what Love would do. If I loved you, why would I want to take you away from what makes you happy? If I loved you, why would I want to change who you are as a person? It’s like going to the store and buying an already made cake, then getting home taking off the icing and removing decorations to make it the way you want it.
“…but I can change them!”
Why do you need to? Now, I understand helping people be the best they can be, but there is a huge difference between helping you be better and changing who you are.
Love is not extravagant and demonstrative like you see in Hallmark movies where the whole town gets involved. Love is small and quiet. Ask the couple that’s been married for 40 years, and they will tell you “He makes me coffee every morning” or “He starts my car for me, so it warms up and I don’t have to be cold.” It’s putting socks on someone’s feet; it’s picking them their favorite drink or soda at the gas station on your way home. And it’s doing that even when you’re mad at them.
Love is caring when it’s hard, and when people are “hard to love.”
When I became a father, I had difficulty with loving others. Honestly, I didn’t love myself, so how could you give something that you don’t have? When my wife was pregnant with our daughter, I would sing songs and play my guitar for my wife. One of our favorites to sing was “You are my Sunshine.” When my daughter was born and they first brought her into the room with us, I was scared to death. My wife tells me to say something to her and I said, “I don’t know what to say?” She said, “just sing to her.” So, I started,
“You are my sunshine…”
As soon as she heard that, she smiled at me (mind you, she is not an hour old yet) and I started choking up and crying. So, I decided I was going to show love to her the best way I could, even if it was clumsy and stupid sometimes. Is that love? I don’t know, but it’s what I’ve got.
About This Series
This is the second in a series I’m calling 30 Words.
Over the coming months, I’m picking words we use constantly but rarely interrogate, and I’m asking: What does this actually mean? Not what we’ve been told it means. Not what sounds sophisticated. What does it mean?
Success. Love. Hope. Fear. Justice. Truth. Freedom. All the big words we throw around like we know what we’re talking about.
I’m treating each one like Montaigne treated his essays - thinking out loud, holding contradictions, admitting what I don’t know. Exploring them from the perspective of someone who’d rather be an honest fool than a polished liar.
These will be scattered between other essays - not every week, just when the word feels right to tackle.
Want to do your own reflection?
I’ve created a guided exercise you can download - pick any word from the list and work through your own thinking about it. No answers provided. Just questions.
Download: 30 Words - A Guided Reflection Exercise
The 30 words: Success, Love, Hope, Mercy, Grace, Faith, Doubt, Fear, Anger, Hate, Joy, Peace, Pain, Death, Life, Freedom, Justice, Truth, Beauty, Time, Change, Power, Weakness, Strength, Courage, Wisdom, Folly, Pride, Humility, Gratitude.
Do it or Don’t do it. I’m just a dude in a barrel talking on the internet so you can make your own choices.